I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
