So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
