we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
