i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Someone came in the potted fern
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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