My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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