I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Couch. On fire.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
