two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
