you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Randomize
