shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
