Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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