sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Who did Billy Mays play for?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
