Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
