I was born with a shot glass in my hand
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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