your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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