he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
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