What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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