I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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