Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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