I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize