I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
