3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
