You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
