you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I need to calm my uterus...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
