One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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