omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
