His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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