just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
