i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize