When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
