my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
