Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
