just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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