the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
