watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
