our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize