Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
