textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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