i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
