I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
