There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
