FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
