anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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