Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
