Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
