he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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