you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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