Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Dicks are not precious.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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