Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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