my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
