I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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