I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize