i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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