id be glad to
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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