can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
