I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
