There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
