pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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