He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
