it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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