i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
