I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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