babies were throwing up all over the place
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
