How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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