I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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