im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
