I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize