i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
