Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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