tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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