I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
