If i come over, it means nothing
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He kissed a someone with a penis
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
