if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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