you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
